a neuroqueer invitation: shifting lexicons/perspectives of bipolar experience
green creature lounges in a lagoon with a sprouting flower and moody moonrise
My experience of bipolar is my experience of order just as it is my experience of disorder. So disorder is not inherent in my experience of bipolar. Mental health has been largely taboo in my life and the society i was raised within so i haven’t talked with loads of people about it. People often judge what they don’t understand.. and i saw plenty of people written off for having atypical mental-emotional systems. I’ve felt comfortable in this part of myself for a few years yet still resistant to talk about it because it all feels so loaded — the existing paradigms of understanding and naming experiences of bipolar feel misrepresentative to me. Not only am i glad to be sharing my experience and not have it be closeted anymore, i hope to contribute to the widening understanding* of what bipolar is and how we can all be in relationship to it outside of limiting and pathological language. Pathology is the study of a disease and its causes.. Pathologizing mental variances assumes there is no purpose or need for such variances — assumes the problem lies within the individual, not the systems that exclude them. I know there is value in this way of experiencing the world and engaging with environmental energies. It’s not inherently an experience of disorder and doesn’t need to be pathologized. As i learn about disability justice, the most crucial point i’ve come to understand, is ‘disabilities’ are only such in relation to the society/collective world that we are existing within. It is the world or our structure around shared reality that dis-ables certain expressions of humanness — that puts them at odds with the collective exchange.
i’m on the bipolar spectrum
Like everything it is a spectrum. I feel both really aware of and affected by the energies of others. I feel capable of experiencing a larger range of response to energy and emotions (more intense on both ends of the spectrum) than the neurotypicals. This experience of larger range seems tethered to by ability to perceive and connect with more subtle energies. My system picks up on more waves and is subsequently more easily overwhelmed than ‘neurotypical’ systems. What is typical is not definite, i notice myself in relation to the established systems that govern our shared spaces and interactions. The language here is messy, unclear. Bipolar mode of being is alien to capitalist, hierarchical hustle systems; therefore it is pathologized within western capitalism.
the top google search definition for bipolar: “A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs.”
That sounds bad, bad, and bad. i’ve experienced so much shame from this identity since i was a kid. The good news is we get to morph and grow the lexicon to fit our needs of communication.
alternate definition that includes my experience: capacity (and likeliness) to experience a larger-than-typical range of moods and emotions. when heightened sensitivity is at odds with environment or conditions and left unmanaged ‘bipolar’ can manifest into a disorder.
To someone else, experiencing a small portion of the mental-emotional spectrum, i’m sure my wide awareness and responsiveness looks erratic.. “all over the map”. The widened experience of spectrum is exacerbated of course when left unmanaged in relational societal contexts that don’t hold space for this way of being.
Know what’s really good for grounding energies? the literal earth, nature, being in touch with the flow of our cycles in relation to other earthly entities, plants and plant medicine… community. Compared to ‘psych’ options, it seems the simplicity of these tools still feels harder to access or be in active awareness of these days. and certainly not widely encouraged as a starting point for a mental health journey except in a superficial way (“have u tried *insert health fad*?!”). There’s no one-size-fits-all support plan. I certainly encourage western pharmaceuticals and psyches when it’s the aligned option for folx (i know plenty & sometimes this is me*). AND there are so many other accessible and helpful ways to support ourselves when bridging the space between our experience and the built world. Diversified approaches hold me best. Communities of neurodivergent, adhd, and autistic sweeties are so good at sharing support and tactics! Working with the spirit, body, energy medicine, and ritual has been so helpful for me to find greater grounding for intense energy experiences/time periods. Irreplaceable in fact. It’s the multilevel and regular support that keeps my world goin round. Different zones of support include: personal/self practices (mind, spirit, body), close relationships (people i can process with and share my intimate struggles), community, professional support (people i pay to help me spiritually, mentally, emotionally), ingestible support (plants, pharmaceuticals, food) & relationship to natural world.
In short, while i find my experience of bipolar to be disabling in the current world i inhabit, i do not consider it a disorder. It is an order that differentiates me, similar to my queerness or chronic illness. There is value for the collective wisdom pool in these ways of being — important colorations of the human experience.
Maybe next we will adapt a word that is not so binary as bipolar but rather recognizes the full expansive spectrum of experience. Perhaps full spectrum feeler or sensi (a shortened version of sensitive as which i already self describe). Neurodivergent* is already such a beautiful new-ish word to me that feels like it serves us neurodivergents so well. Neuroqueer* is that much more accurate for me. Especially when seeing thru the bell hooks definition of queer. “ queer as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.”
i ask you dear reader: what expansive redefinitions of identities and experiences might support you in your life and journey?
~
<3 Sources & Re-Sources <3
{feeling so juiced and ignited by the autism spectrum conversation bloom led by late and self-diagnosed cuties. We share in our neurodivergence and i notice overlap in societal experience and possible responses -
self diagnosis can be really helpful! it can help us feel seen, find community aid/support, find supportive tools/tactics, or it can be a first step to seeking professional assistance (not exclusive to western medical complex systems) ie: mental/emotional/spiritual support; energetic support; prescribed plants, medicines, pharmaceuticals etc.
my dear friend moonheart has compiled self dx autism resources here if you’d like to read more.
neurodivergent was gifted to us in 1998 by Judy Singer, a social scientist and self-identified on autism spectrum
words from her book “For me, the key significance of the Autism Spectrum lies in its call for and anticipation of a politics of neurological diversity, or ‘neurodiversity.’ The neurologically different represent a new addition to the familiar political categories of class/gender/race and will augment the insights of the social model of disability. The rise of neurodiversity takes postmodern fragmentation one step further. Just as the postmodern era sees every once too solid belief melt into air, even our most taken-for granted assumptions: that we all more or less see, feel, touch, hear, smell, and sort information, in more or less the same way, (unless visibly disabled) – are being dissolved.” (http://www.myspectrumsuite.com/meet-judy-singer/)
neuroqueer started as a verb as in ‘subverting neurotypical norms’ and i definitely id with it as an adjective as in the above and also a combo of being neurodivergent and queer (https://neuroqueer.com/neuroqueer-an-introduction/)}
[image: creature in the black lagoon watercolor by fuzzy]